Badasses You Haven’t Heard Of
Sunday, January 23, 2011
, Posted by Tyree at 3:08 PM
Source:Top 10 Badasses You Haven’t Heard Of
Okay granted there may be one or two on this list that you do know – though maybe not by name – but hopefully the vast majority of readers will be unfamiliar with most of the badass men and women featured on this list. History is full of badasses, and it is very hard to rank them, so here we are ranking by reverse chronological order. Enjoy the list and be sure to mention other badasses in the comments. This list was inspired by the book “Badass” by Ben Thompson which contains a chapter on each of the characters below as well as dozens more. You can buy it here.
10
Chandragupta Maurya
340 BC – 298 BC
Chandragupta Maurya, born in Bihar, Eastern India, was an orphaned commoner who changed the face of India and forever altered its history, by clawing his way from the slums to forging one of the most expansive Empires in India’s history. Not only did he command nine thousand war elephants, fifty million people and an army of thirty-six thousand – he also had one of the most badass (and awesome) bodyguard units ever. His personal bodyguard unit was made of up more than five hundred Greek and Indian warrior women. In order to destroy the Nanda empire, Maurya simply grabbed a bronze sword and singlehandedly stormed the palace. He was captured and jailed, but escaped – further cementing his place in history as a badass. Ultimately, he went on to destroy the ruling dyn@sty and put into place the long lasting Maurya dyn@sty.
9
The Surena
84–52 BC
The Surena (a general) was born into the Surena family who had, for generations, protected the Kings of Parthia (found in Modern day Iran), but it was the general who cemented the family name in the books of history. By all accounts he was the hottest guy in town, the strongest, the manliest and the deadliest – and was obviously such a badass that he is known only as THE Surena. When King Hydrodes was overthrown and expelled from Parthia, the Surena led the mission to recapture the Kingdom. He also had a huge harem of concubines, which took two hundred wagons to transport, that travelled with him everywhere – including on military campaigns. When Crassus stupidly decided to take over the Parthian Empire at the battle of Carrhae, he was brutally put down in one of the most embarrassing trounces of the Roman Army ever, by the Surena and his men. When offered the chance to surrender, Crassus told his men to flee and consequently sent them all to their [rip]s as the Surena chased them down anddestroyed the lot of them. Crassus was personally behe@ded by the Surena and had molten gold poured down his neck. Oh – and did I mention that the Surena was a cross-dresser? Well, not quite, but this is what Plutarch said of him: “[He was] the tallest and finest looking man himself, but the delicacy of his looks and effeminacy of his dress did not promise so much manhood as he really was master of; or his face was painted, and his hair parted after the fashion of the Medes.”
8
Charles Martel
688 – 22 October 741
Charles Martel – otherwise known as Charles the Hammer – was so badass that he not only stopped the Islamic invasion of Western Europe, he is considered to be a founding father of the Middle Ages and all of the delights that came from it (feudalism, knights and chivalry), and laid the groundwork for the Carolingian empire (he was Charlemagne’s Grandfather). He came to be in a position to lead the army against the invading Muslims, because he was the Mayor of the Palace under the Frankish kings. At that time the Kings were pretty useless and left all of the hard work up to the Mayor. He lost only one battle in his lifetime (the Battle of Cologne) but, most importantly, he won the Battle of Tours (October 10, 732) in which two French towns fought against the armies of the Umayyad Caliphat. The defeat of the Muslim army was very significant and, if the battle had gone the other way, we would probably all be speaking Arabic right now. The French army fought the battle entirely on foot which led many to declare that God had given the French the victory. Oh – and to top it all off he was humble too! Martel refused to accept an honorary title from the Pope for saving Europe.
7
Ulf The Quarrelsome
11th Century AD
Ulf (which means wolf) the Quarrelsome was a brutal Irish Warrior and brother of High King Brian Boru (pictured above). He despised the vikings because they destroyed his mother while he was young. While King Brian made a name for himself by uniting Ireland, Ulf made a name for himself by whacking people over the head with a giant battle axe. The union of Ireland put an end to the Scandinavian power over the nation of small states and kingdoms, but some people weren’t too keen about the new state of affairs and they rebelled – with the help of thousands of vikings. It was the famous Battle of Clontarf, in 1014, that Ulf really showed his badassness. After almost singlehandedly destroying the viking rebels, Ulf came upon Bróðir of Man – one of the nastiest vikings around (and a sorcerer to boot). Here is Njals saga’s account of how Ulf ended the life of Bróðir – in revenge fordestroying his brother, King Brian: “Ulf the Quarrelsome cut open his belly, and led him round and round the trunk of a tree, and so wound all his entrails out of him, and he did not die before they were all drawn out of him.”
6
Harald Hardrada
1015 – September 25, 1066
Harald was the youngest of Saint King Olaf II of Norway’s three half-brothers, born to Åsta Gudbrandsdatter. After King Cnutdestroyed his brother Saint Olaf (while Harald was a mere 15 years old), he went off to Constantinople and made himself rich. He then took the opportunity to join the most feared mercenary army, (the Byzantine Vanguard) and began working (or rather cleaving) his way through various armies at the paid request of various European kings. Over his lifetime Harald went on to battle anywhere he could – Europe, the Middle East and Jerusalem. He even managed to take a bit of time out to marry Princess Elisabeth of Russia. Eventually, Harald became the King of Norway (after the young illegitimate King Magnus mysteriously died). Not being content to rule just one country, he spent years trying to conquer Denmark (much to everyone’s annoyance – in Denmark and in Norway). He finally decided to put his energies elsewhere, which was to be his downfall, but the main reason that history remembers him – he decided to conquer England. Alas, his attempts to take England failed and his army was smashed by that of King Harold Godwinson. Harald was the last great Viking king of Norway, and his invasion of England, and [rip] at the Battle of Stamford Bridge in 1066, marked the end of the Viking age and beginning of the High Middle Ages.
Okay granted there may be one or two on this list that you do know – though maybe not by name – but hopefully the vast majority of readers will be unfamiliar with most of the badass men and women featured on this list. History is full of badasses, and it is very hard to rank them, so here we are ranking by reverse chronological order. Enjoy the list and be sure to mention other badasses in the comments. This list was inspired by the book “Badass” by Ben Thompson which contains a chapter on each of the characters below as well as dozens more. You can buy it here.
10
Chandragupta Maurya
340 BC – 298 BC
Chandragupta Maurya, born in Bihar, Eastern India, was an orphaned commoner who changed the face of India and forever altered its history, by clawing his way from the slums to forging one of the most expansive Empires in India’s history. Not only did he command nine thousand war elephants, fifty million people and an army of thirty-six thousand – he also had one of the most badass (and awesome) bodyguard units ever. His personal bodyguard unit was made of up more than five hundred Greek and Indian warrior women. In order to destroy the Nanda empire, Maurya simply grabbed a bronze sword and singlehandedly stormed the palace. He was captured and jailed, but escaped – further cementing his place in history as a badass. Ultimately, he went on to destroy the ruling dyn@sty and put into place the long lasting Maurya dyn@sty.
9
The Surena
84–52 BC
The Surena (a general) was born into the Surena family who had, for generations, protected the Kings of Parthia (found in Modern day Iran), but it was the general who cemented the family name in the books of history. By all accounts he was the hottest guy in town, the strongest, the manliest and the deadliest – and was obviously such a badass that he is known only as THE Surena. When King Hydrodes was overthrown and expelled from Parthia, the Surena led the mission to recapture the Kingdom. He also had a huge harem of concubines, which took two hundred wagons to transport, that travelled with him everywhere – including on military campaigns. When Crassus stupidly decided to take over the Parthian Empire at the battle of Carrhae, he was brutally put down in one of the most embarrassing trounces of the Roman Army ever, by the Surena and his men. When offered the chance to surrender, Crassus told his men to flee and consequently sent them all to their [rip]s as the Surena chased them down anddestroyed the lot of them. Crassus was personally behe@ded by the Surena and had molten gold poured down his neck. Oh – and did I mention that the Surena was a cross-dresser? Well, not quite, but this is what Plutarch said of him: “[He was] the tallest and finest looking man himself, but the delicacy of his looks and effeminacy of his dress did not promise so much manhood as he really was master of; or his face was painted, and his hair parted after the fashion of the Medes.”
8
Charles Martel
688 – 22 October 741
Charles Martel – otherwise known as Charles the Hammer – was so badass that he not only stopped the Islamic invasion of Western Europe, he is considered to be a founding father of the Middle Ages and all of the delights that came from it (feudalism, knights and chivalry), and laid the groundwork for the Carolingian empire (he was Charlemagne’s Grandfather). He came to be in a position to lead the army against the invading Muslims, because he was the Mayor of the Palace under the Frankish kings. At that time the Kings were pretty useless and left all of the hard work up to the Mayor. He lost only one battle in his lifetime (the Battle of Cologne) but, most importantly, he won the Battle of Tours (October 10, 732) in which two French towns fought against the armies of the Umayyad Caliphat. The defeat of the Muslim army was very significant and, if the battle had gone the other way, we would probably all be speaking Arabic right now. The French army fought the battle entirely on foot which led many to declare that God had given the French the victory. Oh – and to top it all off he was humble too! Martel refused to accept an honorary title from the Pope for saving Europe.
7
Ulf The Quarrelsome
11th Century AD
Ulf (which means wolf) the Quarrelsome was a brutal Irish Warrior and brother of High King Brian Boru (pictured above). He despised the vikings because they destroyed his mother while he was young. While King Brian made a name for himself by uniting Ireland, Ulf made a name for himself by whacking people over the head with a giant battle axe. The union of Ireland put an end to the Scandinavian power over the nation of small states and kingdoms, but some people weren’t too keen about the new state of affairs and they rebelled – with the help of thousands of vikings. It was the famous Battle of Clontarf, in 1014, that Ulf really showed his badassness. After almost singlehandedly destroying the viking rebels, Ulf came upon Bróðir of Man – one of the nastiest vikings around (and a sorcerer to boot). Here is Njals saga’s account of how Ulf ended the life of Bróðir – in revenge fordestroying his brother, King Brian: “Ulf the Quarrelsome cut open his belly, and led him round and round the trunk of a tree, and so wound all his entrails out of him, and he did not die before they were all drawn out of him.”
6
Harald Hardrada
1015 – September 25, 1066
Harald was the youngest of Saint King Olaf II of Norway’s three half-brothers, born to Åsta Gudbrandsdatter. After King Cnutdestroyed his brother Saint Olaf (while Harald was a mere 15 years old), he went off to Constantinople and made himself rich. He then took the opportunity to join the most feared mercenary army, (the Byzantine Vanguard) and began working (or rather cleaving) his way through various armies at the paid request of various European kings. Over his lifetime Harald went on to battle anywhere he could – Europe, the Middle East and Jerusalem. He even managed to take a bit of time out to marry Princess Elisabeth of Russia. Eventually, Harald became the King of Norway (after the young illegitimate King Magnus mysteriously died). Not being content to rule just one country, he spent years trying to conquer Denmark (much to everyone’s annoyance – in Denmark and in Norway). He finally decided to put his energies elsewhere, which was to be his downfall, but the main reason that history remembers him – he decided to conquer England. Alas, his attempts to take England failed and his army was smashed by that of King Harold Godwinson. Harald was the last great Viking king of Norway, and his invasion of England, and [rip] at the Battle of Stamford Bridge in 1066, marked the end of the Viking age and beginning of the High Middle Ages.
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